the book of love (orig by the magnetic fields)

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures
And instructions for dancing
But I, I love it when you read to me
And you, you can read me anything

The book of love has music in it
In fact, that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb, but
I, I love it when you sing to me, and
You, you can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know, but
I, I love it when you give me things
And you, you ought to give me wedding rings

untitled

instrumental played on my father's classical guitar.

the earth's spheres (written by katherine e. mccormick, lyrics by mary m. viers, music by david t.s. barron)

the earth is made up of four spheres

now let this song fall upon your ears

three physical realms of which i speak

truly make this earth unique

the fourth is not to be forgot

it's you and i that's quite a lot

the hydrosphere is a mass of water

in oceans and in clouds if hotter

71% of the surface it does cover

but the biosphere it does not smother

the biosphere includes all life on earth

plants and animals of every worth

the earth is surrounded by a gassy shell

this atmosphere does treat us well

the atmosphere is relatively thin

from heat it protects us and our kin

the solid earth is the final sphere

under the oceans is the geosphere

from earth's surface to its center it extends

in mass competitions it always wins

soil transcends sphere's limits

to no sphere does soil commit

these spheres make up a dynamic body

they interact they like to party

separately they have no soul

together they are a whole

battle of the theories (written by katherine e. mccormick, lyrics by mary m. viers, music by david t.s. barron)

the theory of catastrophists

made them nothing but mere sophists

for centuries their wrongful form

was accepted as the norm

that earth's landscapes had been shaped primarily

by a series of catastrophes

then came Hutton, the great scot

to show them all what they knew not

that the laws today were laws forever

it always took that long weather

uniformitarianism this was called

catastrophism was thus mauled

rake (orig. by townes van zandt)

I used to wake and run with the moon
I lived like a rake and a young man
I covered my lovers with flowers and wounds
My laughter the devil would frighten
The sun she would come and beat me back down
But every cruel day had it’s nightfall
I’d welcome the stars with wine and guitars
Full of fire and forgetful

My body was sharp the dark air clean
And outrage my joyful companion
Whisperin’ women how sweet did they seem
Kneelin’ for me to command them
And time was like water but I was the sea
I’d have never noticed it passin’
Except for the turnin’ of night into day
And the turnin’ of day into cursin’

You look at me now, and don’t think I don’t know
What all your eyes are a sayin’
Does he want us to believe these ravings and lies
They’re just tricks that his brains been a playin’?
A lover of women he can’t hardly stand
He trembles he’s bent and he’s broken
I’ve fallen it’s true but I say unto you
Hold your tongues until after I’ve spoken

I was takin’ my pride in the pleasures I’d known
I laughed and thought I’d be forgiven
But my laughter turned ’round eyes blazing and
Said my friend, we’re holdin’ a wedding
I buried my face but it spoke once again
The night to the day we’re a bindin’
And now the dark air is like fire on my skin
And even the moonlight is blinding

pancho and lefty (orig. by townes van zandt)

Living on the road my friend
Was gonna keep you free and clean
Now you wear your skin like iron
Your breath's as hard as kerosene
You weren't your mama's only boy
But her favorite one it seems
She began to cry when you said goodbye
And sank into your dreams

Pancho was a bandit boys
His horse was fast as polished steel
Wore his gun outside his pants
For all the honest world to feel
Pancho met his match you know
On the deserts down in Mexico
Nobody heard his dying words
That's the way it goes

All the federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him hang around
Out of kindness I suppose

Lefty he can't sing the blues
All night long like he used to
The dust that Pancho bit down south
Ended up in Lefty's mouth
The day they laid poor Pancho low
Lefty split for Ohio
Where he got the bread to go
There ain't nobody knows

All the federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him slip away
Out of kindness I suppose

The poets tell how Pancho fell
Lefty's livin' in a cheap hotel
The desert's quiet and Cleveland's cold
So the story ends we're told
Pancho needs your prayers it's true,
But save a few for Lefty too
He just did what he had to do
Now he's growing old

A few gray federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him go so wrong
Out of kindness I suppose

the things i wish you could say

As we walk down a road that's beaten and treaded there's only one thing on my mind

ANd as you lie there crying looking deep in my eyes only one thing's a surprise

it's that you think that i could ever not love you it's that you think i'd ever leave you

and in your deepest darkest moment of fear and doubt i hope you know that isn't tru

So keep on playing on the stage that's cracked and it's burning remember one thing that remains

even though i didn't carry you in my belly you're still my son this much is plain

even though you fucked up and you lied about it the world's not over not all's lost

and even though it seems like i have no love for you it's not just you that's been caught

in a web of drama, the divorce has turned so rotten but at least that part is not your fault

but way deep down in my soul i know i can forgive you and i know that we will make it through

You're captured inside my heart and i'm captured in yours nothing else matters today

And if i go down tonight you are going with me. there's nothing that you can say

don't go

I know you think you've got to go

But you know that you don't

I know this seems to be the worst

But lie to me and say i was your first

You don't have to go no you don't have to leave me behind

You don't have to run from how you know feel deep inside

You're scared of me so badly

That you feel that in my company

You will break down and won't be so hard

Is that so bad? that must be the hardest part

break free

I want to break free of these chains holding me i want to finally see

the world through clear eyes the pure blue of the sky the clouds the snow white

My vision it won't clear i'm facing down the fear of being viewed as weird

Because everything we are is changing from afar we're being pulled apart

Now why would i care where you're from or where you are going to

Everything is changed from the shorelines to the rain from the forests to you

My vision it will clear as i go to you from here i don't care if i am weird

Because all i want is you when you're around i can't feel blue i don't curse and i don't brood

These things you do for me you help me break free of these chains holding me

I hope i can help you i think that i do it's the best i could hope to

But i'm scared as i look down the path my life will take i frown uncertainty it clouds

my vision once again, but then you come to me best friend and i can see again

My vision it has cleared. i'm done facing the fear. i'm embracing that i'm weird

you help me be myself. just me and no one else. just by being you.

instrumental song i wrote with my good friend ben eaton

instrumental piano song

(no lyrics, played on my parent's piano)

interstate

We drove down the road in the summer

The two of us in your car

You saw in the eyes of another

As we sat there drinking alone in that gypsy bar

You looked at me like a brother

As we swam through the interstate

Two men all alone there's no other

A connection a band we couldn't fake

The road that will bring us together

Is wild and goes on forever

The miles they pass on like water

In this moment i cannot and will not be bothered

We sat in the backseat of your parent's car

We drove through the day it didn't feel that far

We both played papijump while time melted away

Like wax down a candle on that interstate

We arrived in Luling to lend a hand

The sun it beat down and life felt so grand

Your grandmother said that you had good taste

But it was I who was lucky on that interstate

The road that will bring us together

Is wild and goes on forever

The miles they pass online water

In this moment I cannot and will not be bothered

Texas highways they hold this great power

While time continues to die away

There is no way to stop it from passing

But time seems to stand still on the interstate

The dark pavement it seems to be fearless

It lasts through bad weather and time

It will last on much longer than I will

It will be here long after I die

The road that will bring us together

Is wild and goes on forever

The miles they pass on like water

IN this moment I cannot and will not be bothered

instrumental

(no lyrics, played on ibanez artcore)

ringing telephone

I hear my phone ring hasn't rung all night

I don't know what it's for but to pick up take all of my might

the voice on the other end is cracking and shaking

they tell me that you've gone and my heart it starts breaking

you've fought this for years but couldn't make it through

as i hold back my tears all i can think is how much i miss you

My memory of you is already clouded and droopy

that memory fell through like a basketball goes through a hoop

the last time i saw you you were mad and you told me you hate me

now that plagues my thoughts and i can't believe that you're gone

the sickness it took you and we knew that it would

but that didn't force us to treat one another the way that we should

now that you've gone in the ground in a case of wood

all i can do is tell myself i did all that i could

fifty years later i wonder if it will feel the same

as it did that first day i wonder if i'll still place the blame

on myself even though i know that that can't be true

what happened was faultless no one to blame not me not you

you've been gone so long that it feels you were never here

no matter how much time goes by my vision won't clear

an eternity could pass through my life like a dream passes through my head

and it won't change how much i miss you laying in my bed

new song

the road that leads

The way is clear but he can't make it through

The only thing blocking his way is keeping you

his eyes they burn with the dust that hangs in the air

all he can do is wish he could not care

the road that leads from houston and takes him to your door

its an uphill fight, it takes all night and he doesn't think he'll make it through

The night is black when he appears to you

shit in your blood keep your vision dimmed as he calls to you

but you can't make out what it is he says

you read between the lines there's too much space between your heads

the road that leads from denver and take him to LA

is a road that he can beat but he has lost his way

so i lead him back put him on the path

takes him right back to your door at nighthe'll be back with you tonight

the way is clear but i can make it through

there's not a thing that blocks the path that leads to you

my eyes feel like they've sprung a leak

i can't help but care but it's all i could ever need

the roads that leads fro my house takes me straight to your door

its the path i'll stay as long as it takes i don't need anything more

i can hear exactly what you say no need to read in to things its pure honesty

i don't need to worry anymore cause our minds they match like a puzzle built upon the floor

the way is clear and i can make it through

there's not a thing that blocks the path that takes me straight to you

his eyes they burn with the dust that hangs in the air

i can't help myself you're all i need you're all that i could care to see, lying here next to me

escape

i'll run so far away from here
leave this town behind
leave behind my life
i will run with the hope that maybe
if i can run fast enough
i can outrun myself
leave my body behind
leave behind my face
i can get ahead of myself and leave me behind
start choking on dust stumbling over my own trail
i just want to escape
to get away from myself
to get away from it all
and to sleep forever
to sleep without dreaming
to sleep in perfect black

standing all alone on a plain with rows of cotton as far as i can see
the horizon is littered with dying plants with waves of grain
where the land meets the sky my eyes betray me
i see the wolves start to pour in
and feel them tear
me apart

between the rows of cotton i find the corpse of a child torn to shreds
bite marks dot their body up and down their legs and stomach
the way the wolves dot the land surrounding me
i can see them coming i feel it
i know what will happen
but i'm helpless

there is nothing i can do to stop the inevitable from occurring in my life
it is a train gathering speed going in one direction without regard
to whether i want it to continue or not i'm helpless
i can't even fulfill the role of conductor
i'm simply a passenger
resigned to fate

all i can do is just lay my head down and try to give my racing brain a rest
try to realize that i have no control and come to accept it as fact
so i lie under the covers trying to shield myself from life
i want to be as insignificant as a fly on the wall
with no care for anything
or anyone

but i can't.

my shifting stomach and my racing brain
my aching heart and my twitching hand
my shaking leg and hair that falls out
my lack of sleep and my sagging shoulders
my broken heart and my flooded eyes
my shifty thoughts they turn to you
and you are what keeps me up at night.

we're all bruised and shell shocked
we've kept everything inside until it bursts out exploding
like a hydrogen bomb shredding apart our bones
melting our skin turning us to pink mist
rotten fruit falls from our mouths
bugs crawl from the pores in our skin
tearing their way out
we try to keep it all inside but we fail
our feet start to betray us make us stumble
we pass out in gutters sleep a few restless hours
till we wake up start it all over again
keeping everything inside makes it worse
a smoldering fire tears through this home
i don't want to perish to die under these terms
i'd rather just be honest to douse the fire
with cool water streaming out from my nose
but my sickness causes my brain to sizzle
like a hard disk drive being worked into failure
too much data causes a meltdown in my skull
until i can't see i can't hear
my senses all shut down they do nothing for me now
i cut off my ears slice out my tongue poke my eyes until they burst
so that i can just exist not feeling or caring for the outside world
some people think of this as hell
this pure disconnect being totally alone
but at times like these when my world is crashing down
when the levees burst and thousands of innocents die
when the bomb hits its target with no intent of it being a military one
when she turns away from me and she slams the door
when it seems everyone in my life has left me
when my skin melts off of my bones
it is at times like these that the idea of pure isolation
strikes me as heaven strikes me as solitude

?

i spent a summer, thrown back into my house
after the first year gone, i returned, different and the same
i realized it is okay to disappoint others as long as you make yourself happy
who should care about the rest
drinking up the lights in my life which for a year had been
covered, turned off, burned out, 300 miles away
their light strong enough still to reach me, but not to keep me warm
their thoughts reached out to me and met mine in the middle
so being back in their presence i can't drink enough
there is no such thing as spending too much time doing something you love
and just because i don't love what others love doesn't make it less worthwhile
my passions lie elsewhere, with people, not with machines, not with technicalities
but with writers, musicians, authors, poets, dancers, humanists
who can still love rationalism, reason, and logic, without sacrificing their own thoughts
their own feelings their own desires
and don't allow them to be governed by others
they throw out the external locus of control in favor of one
that is internal, bound by themselves only
this internal limiting factor is far better than an external one because
if you only rely on yourself, you never think "life's not fair"
if you don't like something you should change it
this is me changing what i don't like
in myself.

honesty is being alone

honesty is a masquerading lie
to be honest you must be different
because most people lie, to themselves and to other
and enough people lying in unison may as well be truth
because if enough people believe it,
it is the "truth"
the world is flat, the sun revolves around the earth
you are the center of the universe
so to be truly honest, you must "lie" and be a "liar"
to keep no secrets, you sacrifice yourself
intimacy with everyone loses its meaning
honesty has turned to deception
truth and honesty are not the same
"truth" is embroiled int he present
"honesty" is timeless, limitless, boundless
and in being honest, you hope to create of a life of infinite possibility
but nobody cares for your honesty
they find it creepy
weird
desperate
different
they shit on what you think and feel
they soil it, and it soils you
makes you distrusting
alienated
scared
alone
a single lone voice calls out above the crowd in a foreign language
the language of honesty
and the crowd turned on the foreigner and kill them
rip their throat out, spill their pure honest blood
and they all call out in unison
"we don't like your kind"

stolen life

it's 4 am on an idle tuesday morning
some one getting up for work
you've been awake for 3 weeks
no rest for your weary eyes
no laying your head down to sleep
everything has turned blurry, a xerox of your old world
you don't even want to sleep anymore
there is nothing that you want or don't want
love or hate, desire or detest
approve of or disagree with
the nothingness fills you up till all you can do is
just lay in bed, pass another grey morning
the reds orange yellows of the rising sun
fill your eyes but leave your heart undisturbed
how odd it is that while your heart sleeps, unfeeling
your brain keeps going, your eyes can't stay shut
there is no thought or feeling, just meat on your bones
an existence without hope just as without sleep
it used to be you'd sleep in light and live in dark
but if you spend too much time in the dark, you start to forget what you look like
and forgetting yourself keeps you up day and night
steals the last letters, takes away what makes you you
steals your sleep and steals your life

scrambled eggs

i'm seeing through you
your true self leaked out amongst your idealized self
it leaks into my brain little by little
with every one of you action, all that you do
did you hear what i just said?
i've seen the future in the eyes in the mirror
they weren't my eyes, the eyes of a stranger
showed my fate, the future of us
you will continue to walk and pull away from me
all you care about is you
so with this on my mind, i poison myself
to cleanse my thoughts i must scramble my brain

recording of song

click me

fixed the original lyrics posting to reflect added lines.

simplicity

i try to lead a simple life

wear simple clothes think simple thoughts

but this is not a simple world

it does not appeal to simple men

an incomplete soul is not a simple one

to be simple i must escape

these thoughts they plague my mind

i try to keep them short and crisp

use simple words write simple lines

but they run through my mind

complicated, convoluted

i put them down to paper

i switch the words around to make more sense

they are murky, unclear, ambiguous

language is in a constant state of mistranslation

nobody understand what anyone else really tries to say

whether they speak the same language or not

is insignificant because

everyone's soul speaks in its own tongue

Work in progress....

i would wait forever if only you would have me

i don't know where you live and i don't know what you're called

i only wish that you could see me standing here with open arms

i'm willing and i'm waiting and i'm ready for the fall

the thing that keeps me up most in the night is the idea that

the probabilities of ever finding you at all

are sub atomically tiny it probably won't happen

words can't even describe this new idea of small

So go on ahead and live your life and i will continue with mine

and maybe someday i'll find you and everything will click

and you will feel like you've found me the one that you've been searching for

and for the first time in your life you won't be feeling sick

you've been liviing with this sickness as long as you've known what sickness was

and as long as i've been aware of myself i've felt the same

the sickness is the fear of life the fear that you will find no one

the thought that no matter what choice you make you will be the one to blame

you come to me you drink with me we lay out in the open grass

you kiss me on my bitter mouth right before you take my heart

and squeeze it with you grip so hard and run away some place real far

as you sit there crying about your thoughts i wonder why i fall so hard

i wish that i could have you and i wish that i could hold you

i wish that i was the one that you would choose to be with

i think i am the one you want but for some reason you just can't

accept the things you feel yeah i'm just another brick

in this wall around yourself you build you hide behind your words and books

you rationalize over analyze everything i do

maybe one day you will come to accept that you feel these things too

you're the one that's best for me and i'm that one for you

Well the future's got me worried such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader

the future is a scary thing. if only because of its true lack of limitations it is a dark scary big fucked up thing. anything can happen at any time. we live in a time when the fate of the world teeters on the edge of a cliff and we're this close to tumbling off into nothingness. and yet in spite of all the uncertainty and frightening possibilities in the future, i find myself enthralled with her, just wanting to spend time with her, get to know her, and share myself with her. people forge connections in life that are often unexplainable, and i must admit that i never would have thought what has happened would have happened but it did. and i couldn't be more glad.


Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, laughin', wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?

only people of a certain disposition can get sentimental for a time that they're currently living in. i am certainly of that disposition.

they say that everything happens happens with reason
but i'm having trouble seeing the reason behind all these fights
every day is another thing i've done or i've said wrong
even in the light of day my heart feels cold and empty

i'm sitting here and waiting for her to come and save me from
all the things i'm so scared to face on my own
confrontation and fights and anger they make me break
my heart is breaking piece by piece and i can't seem to stand

i don't know what it is i think she should do right now
she's got a choice to make, i wish she'd hurry up and pick

life, the universe, and everything

i went to the library today. i didn't have any tests for a few weeks so i had been spending most of my time watching baseball on my computer, which very quickly ate up my bandwidth allocation. so for the rest of the week, i will not have video games, real internet usage over 5 kb/second, or streaming movies to distract myself with. so i went to the library and i checked out two douglas coupland novels, "hey nostradamus" and "the gum thief." i started reading hey nostradamus at 6 o'clock or so. it is a fantastic book written by a fantastic writer and i highly recommend it, despite its darkness. it is about a high school shooting, loosely based off of the events of columbine almost ten years ago. i thought this was strange since the ten year anniversary (anniversary? anniversaries are things to celebrate..... this isn't an anniversary) of the shooting is in four days. the book's main character, who i believe is based on rachel scott, the more publicized victims of ten years ago. she was made famous because of the supposed manner in which she actually died. i've heard the tale in many different ways, but it always states that she was asked if she believe in god, which she replied to with a yes, and told she would survive, not be shot and killed, if she denounced her faith. she refused, and was shot. i don't really believe the story, it sounds like something someone would make up as some sort of sick way of martyrizing her and giving her some sense of celebrity, which i find ridiculous, but i have my cynical moments. her story however does make one think. so while i was reading this pretty harrowing book, i heard music from outside, and it took me a long time to place it, but eventually i realized that i was hearing a cover band play for the annual jester carnival that UT started this year. i've always thought it was strange to call something the "first annual" of its kind, because who's to say it will continue? anyways..... i realized the song they were playing was casamir pulaski day by sufjan stevens. i was taken by this coincidence..... the song itself is about a boy who has a female friend, a friend with whom there is sexual tension, who is killed by bone cancer. the boy in the song, much like cheryl in the book and rachel in real life, was a religious person, and the death of his friend at such a young age understandably makes him question his faith. i was pretty floored by this coincidence, that this random cover band would be playing this song so close in feel and subject matter to this book i was reading, here on the eve of this terrible massacre's tenth year anniversary, or whatever. and it got me thinking. in the book cheryl gets married very early to her boyfriend, mostly so they can have sex without being ashamed in the eyes of god. this struck me as ridiculous, but their closeness, be it purely sexual, or deeper, struck me because of the relative solitude with which i live my life. i made a good deal of friend's last semester, but for the most part i spend my days on my own, eating meals by myself, studying, reading, watching baseball movies to distract myself, and thinking. i haven't been in a physical relationship that meant anything of any kind, past the purely sexual, for years, maybe ever. i've had my random outings, getting out the energy or whatever, but i don't think its ever truly meant anything to me. i probably would have said it did at the time, just as cheryl would, but looking back on it, i don't really feel anything good about it. i think about my ideas about religion... i would not consider myself a faithful person, but i am undoubtedly faithful, in my own very personal way. i think that every person's relationship with god or whatever is a deeply personal thing that can truly not be describe or perscribed by anyone else. i find it so strange to read about these 17 year olds who feel saved, who confess their sins to their friends over french fries at lunch, because that is so far from how i was or how i am. that level of non-privacy astounds me. of course, it is slightly strange that i'm writing this blog post, to be sent out onto the internet, the single least private thing on the planet, about my thoughts about god, the universe, and everything, but at least i came to my thoughts on my own. i do see signs of the presence of something higher, but i cannot give it a name. i see it everyday in the beauty of nature, the majesty of a mountain range, the simplicity of the 'simple life,' spent reading, watching baseball. i see it in the indescribable power of music. in the book, cheryl says that the thing that separates humanity from everything else is their capacity for sin. while i acknowledge this, i also believe in the inherent goodness and capacity of mankind to do great things. the thing that separates mankind from everything else is not only their capacity to sin, but their capacity to do good. and i see signs of something greater in everyday marvels, like hearing a song that goes well with a book you are reading without intending to, or losing internet connectivity, leading me to read a book based on something that profoundly effected me ten years ago when i first heard about it. and its strange that my very earliest memory of hearing about the columbine event was of my mother telling me about rachel scott, about her supposed martyrdom. i was 8 years old at the time and i know i didn't realize how profoundly the event would continue to effect me, but it really has. the idea of someone so steadfast in their convictions, whether i believe them too or not, strikes me as incredibly powerful.

the sea

this is something i wrote a long time ago and had forgotten about but i randomly just found it and thought i would post it.

racing down the highway the smell of oil in my nose
to where the game time high is my home's overnight low
explosions fill my ears the endless sky sooths my fears
i'll remember this time in my soul for years
all we need is all we want, but we have so much time for that
the world in front of us our fears behind, we've rooted out the rat
its in the sound of a catcher's mitt, it's in the sight of a friend
its the stand up feeling we get towards the end
of the day we can say that we're all we need
its the earthiest smell its all this good weed
its the sight of a woman so strong and so sweet
and her loving husband, without shoes on his feet
its the passing of strangers on the shoulder of the road
racing down in this camry, the car has a full load
its when i feel i belong to something bigger than me
the love and the pain, the loss and the gain, my soul grows bigger than the sea

The John Butler Trio

John Butler, head of the appropriately named John Butler Trio, is an Australian born musician who really blows my hair back. His music melds Celtic, folk, bluegrass, and blues to create a sound totally transcendent of genre. His long acrylic fingernails allow him an incredible finger-picking/strumming hybrid style of playing. His instrumental pieces communicate feelings which render words useless. He is an incredible musician, and if you're reading this, chances are you will like him.

I've been staying up later and later into the night over the past couple of weeks. I lie awake on my computer listening to my roommate's snores start every night at nine thirty, reading forums, talking to people, reminiscing. My move to Austin has prompted me to question just about everything in my life. For my first semester, I was largely without that which is most important to me, my family. I'm glad that that will no longer be the case. Being on my own, making my own decisions, trying to be a semiadult is a very strange thing to me. Sometimes I feel like I am still an infant, grasping at communication, just learning how to walk, realizing that things exist outside of me. I see my little brother as a mirror of my development. While he is learning to literally walk upon the ground, I am trying to learn to walk through my life. He is learning how to speak, I am learning how to communicate as an adult. He starts to have some idea of continuous existence while I realize that some of the people I love and care for most have their own lives, are their own people and may have moved on without me and no longer consider me as an important part of their lives. It is a normal part in the development of a person, to learn to accept that some people let go and move on, and to cling to those that don't, but it sure doesn't make it much easier to deal with. I find myself spending most of my time reading, studying, and feeling nostalgic. I am somewhat disconnected from my studies. While I consider myself dedicated to them, I do not feel a connection with them like I do with other things, and that worries me. I wish I could make enough money playing music on the streets to support a family some day, but I know this isn't the case, so I instead am learning to engineer cells, alter the very fabric of human life, and build nanomachines. I make art, doodles, drawings, sketches, songs, and I am never very satisfied with it, but in the words of an immensely wise man, "Creating is the only point." In the absence of family, as I lay alone in seemingly endless nights, creating gives me a fulfillment, a genuine happiness that few other things can give me. Breakfast with one of my best friends, laying with my brother, hiking and talking with my dad, having hours long conversations with my stepmother, and creating art and playing music. Something connects these things because they all give me a certain sense of belonging. They all make me connect with that which is most human. And in doing so, I am fulfilled.

our so-called friend

i hope you feel better now that its through
we were never together though i was with you
i'd have held your hair back if you'd get sick
and you'd cut off my hands
i wonder how you feel now that its done
i wonder if you remember me singing about a gun
i'd drive on for hours just to see you
you'd leave me to stand

standing for hours waiting for you
the rain a cold shower the water a pure blue

i gave all i could you never gave back
i'd bring love to your door you'd respond with attack
and now as i write this i wonder aloud to myself
why did i care so much
you had so much to give to me, you beat down my fears
you still have it all you just don't show it so clear
you have your own life and i'm not a part of it at all
i still care too much
lying for days lying with you
you held my heart in your hand and you made it turn blue
with your icey cold hands you know where i stand but where are you?
do you think about me now that we haven't talked for weeks
even when i think about it now it makes me feel weak
to think about all the potential i felt in you but now all gone

My Obsession with Texas

A work in progress:

I was born and I hit the ground running.

The things I've seen they plague my mind right now.

A beggar's sign can you spare a dime

The need in his eye to get himself off the ground.

I was born to run to see and feel

The dust in my eyes driving my truck down this highway

Through these small Texas towns, Lord I never felt so down

And all I can do is just hope to find my own way.

I want to feel one with the land of my father

The Texas plains, the feel of two leather boots on my feet.

To stand there and stare at a beauty so bare

As the land where my father was reared, on his street.

His house, it burned down one autumn day.

It was raised to the ground, nothing left but his mother.

And his father's will to build a new house, to kill

The fires that nearly tore them apart, like Cain to his brother.

The desert is unforgiving, the dust it irritates.

The lives of the people may be shattered like glass.

But to each other they looked, though their foundation had been shook.

And in one another they found hope, they'd need it fast.

So now here I stand, in my boots I am tall

I desire a life of solitude and bliss.

To tend to the land, I want my own brand.

To mark the cattle, like a kiss.

A simple life, the life of a rancher.

This appeals to me most, it appeals to my soul.

My love for this state, I've got too much on my plate.

The landscape makes me feel like a newborn foal.

Nobody puts it better than Steinbeck:

"Texas is a state of mind. Texas is an obsession. Above all, Texas is a nation in every sense of the word. And there's an opening convey of generalities. A Texan outside of Texas is a foreigner."

I truly do love my home.

Edit: Thanks god for blogspot's autosave feature. My browser crashed before I finished publishing this post and I was immediately devastated because I thought I had last what I had written.

Listen to Dustin Welch.

Is this what it comes down to? Hit or miss, it's either me or you. All we get is one false move.
Oh my friend, you're gonna have to choose, sink or swim. Its either win or lose. In the end there's one thing that is true:

At first glance, we're still in the game. Oh there's a desperate chance that hope may still remain.
Until we come to see the error of our ways, we're just one false move away

Oh the costs of my endless needs and my thoughts and my wicked deeds left me lost with nothing to believe.
But my foolish pride wouldn't let me leave if i tried, if i beg and plead and besides there's no honor among thieves.

At first glance we're still in the game. Oh, there's a desperate chance that hope may still remain.
Until we come to see the error of our ways, we're just one false move away.

My friend you're gonna have to choose sink or swim its either win or lose in the end there's on thing that is true.

At first glance we're still in the game. Oh, there's a desperate chance that hope may still remain.
Until we come to see the error of our ways, we're just one false move away.

--Dustin Welch