life, the universe, and everything

i went to the library today. i didn't have any tests for a few weeks so i had been spending most of my time watching baseball on my computer, which very quickly ate up my bandwidth allocation. so for the rest of the week, i will not have video games, real internet usage over 5 kb/second, or streaming movies to distract myself with. so i went to the library and i checked out two douglas coupland novels, "hey nostradamus" and "the gum thief." i started reading hey nostradamus at 6 o'clock or so. it is a fantastic book written by a fantastic writer and i highly recommend it, despite its darkness. it is about a high school shooting, loosely based off of the events of columbine almost ten years ago. i thought this was strange since the ten year anniversary (anniversary? anniversaries are things to celebrate..... this isn't an anniversary) of the shooting is in four days. the book's main character, who i believe is based on rachel scott, the more publicized victims of ten years ago. she was made famous because of the supposed manner in which she actually died. i've heard the tale in many different ways, but it always states that she was asked if she believe in god, which she replied to with a yes, and told she would survive, not be shot and killed, if she denounced her faith. she refused, and was shot. i don't really believe the story, it sounds like something someone would make up as some sort of sick way of martyrizing her and giving her some sense of celebrity, which i find ridiculous, but i have my cynical moments. her story however does make one think. so while i was reading this pretty harrowing book, i heard music from outside, and it took me a long time to place it, but eventually i realized that i was hearing a cover band play for the annual jester carnival that UT started this year. i've always thought it was strange to call something the "first annual" of its kind, because who's to say it will continue? anyways..... i realized the song they were playing was casamir pulaski day by sufjan stevens. i was taken by this coincidence..... the song itself is about a boy who has a female friend, a friend with whom there is sexual tension, who is killed by bone cancer. the boy in the song, much like cheryl in the book and rachel in real life, was a religious person, and the death of his friend at such a young age understandably makes him question his faith. i was pretty floored by this coincidence, that this random cover band would be playing this song so close in feel and subject matter to this book i was reading, here on the eve of this terrible massacre's tenth year anniversary, or whatever. and it got me thinking. in the book cheryl gets married very early to her boyfriend, mostly so they can have sex without being ashamed in the eyes of god. this struck me as ridiculous, but their closeness, be it purely sexual, or deeper, struck me because of the relative solitude with which i live my life. i made a good deal of friend's last semester, but for the most part i spend my days on my own, eating meals by myself, studying, reading, watching baseball movies to distract myself, and thinking. i haven't been in a physical relationship that meant anything of any kind, past the purely sexual, for years, maybe ever. i've had my random outings, getting out the energy or whatever, but i don't think its ever truly meant anything to me. i probably would have said it did at the time, just as cheryl would, but looking back on it, i don't really feel anything good about it. i think about my ideas about religion... i would not consider myself a faithful person, but i am undoubtedly faithful, in my own very personal way. i think that every person's relationship with god or whatever is a deeply personal thing that can truly not be describe or perscribed by anyone else. i find it so strange to read about these 17 year olds who feel saved, who confess their sins to their friends over french fries at lunch, because that is so far from how i was or how i am. that level of non-privacy astounds me. of course, it is slightly strange that i'm writing this blog post, to be sent out onto the internet, the single least private thing on the planet, about my thoughts about god, the universe, and everything, but at least i came to my thoughts on my own. i do see signs of the presence of something higher, but i cannot give it a name. i see it everyday in the beauty of nature, the majesty of a mountain range, the simplicity of the 'simple life,' spent reading, watching baseball. i see it in the indescribable power of music. in the book, cheryl says that the thing that separates humanity from everything else is their capacity for sin. while i acknowledge this, i also believe in the inherent goodness and capacity of mankind to do great things. the thing that separates mankind from everything else is not only their capacity to sin, but their capacity to do good. and i see signs of something greater in everyday marvels, like hearing a song that goes well with a book you are reading without intending to, or losing internet connectivity, leading me to read a book based on something that profoundly effected me ten years ago when i first heard about it. and its strange that my very earliest memory of hearing about the columbine event was of my mother telling me about rachel scott, about her supposed martyrdom. i was 8 years old at the time and i know i didn't realize how profoundly the event would continue to effect me, but it really has. the idea of someone so steadfast in their convictions, whether i believe them too or not, strikes me as incredibly powerful.