escape

i'll run so far away from here
leave this town behind
leave behind my life
i will run with the hope that maybe
if i can run fast enough
i can outrun myself
leave my body behind
leave behind my face
i can get ahead of myself and leave me behind
start choking on dust stumbling over my own trail
i just want to escape
to get away from myself
to get away from it all
and to sleep forever
to sleep without dreaming
to sleep in perfect black

standing all alone on a plain with rows of cotton as far as i can see
the horizon is littered with dying plants with waves of grain
where the land meets the sky my eyes betray me
i see the wolves start to pour in
and feel them tear
me apart

between the rows of cotton i find the corpse of a child torn to shreds
bite marks dot their body up and down their legs and stomach
the way the wolves dot the land surrounding me
i can see them coming i feel it
i know what will happen
but i'm helpless

there is nothing i can do to stop the inevitable from occurring in my life
it is a train gathering speed going in one direction without regard
to whether i want it to continue or not i'm helpless
i can't even fulfill the role of conductor
i'm simply a passenger
resigned to fate

all i can do is just lay my head down and try to give my racing brain a rest
try to realize that i have no control and come to accept it as fact
so i lie under the covers trying to shield myself from life
i want to be as insignificant as a fly on the wall
with no care for anything
or anyone

but i can't.

my shifting stomach and my racing brain
my aching heart and my twitching hand
my shaking leg and hair that falls out
my lack of sleep and my sagging shoulders
my broken heart and my flooded eyes
my shifty thoughts they turn to you
and you are what keeps me up at night.

we're all bruised and shell shocked
we've kept everything inside until it bursts out exploding
like a hydrogen bomb shredding apart our bones
melting our skin turning us to pink mist
rotten fruit falls from our mouths
bugs crawl from the pores in our skin
tearing their way out
we try to keep it all inside but we fail
our feet start to betray us make us stumble
we pass out in gutters sleep a few restless hours
till we wake up start it all over again
keeping everything inside makes it worse
a smoldering fire tears through this home
i don't want to perish to die under these terms
i'd rather just be honest to douse the fire
with cool water streaming out from my nose
but my sickness causes my brain to sizzle
like a hard disk drive being worked into failure
too much data causes a meltdown in my skull
until i can't see i can't hear
my senses all shut down they do nothing for me now
i cut off my ears slice out my tongue poke my eyes until they burst
so that i can just exist not feeling or caring for the outside world
some people think of this as hell
this pure disconnect being totally alone
but at times like these when my world is crashing down
when the levees burst and thousands of innocents die
when the bomb hits its target with no intent of it being a military one
when she turns away from me and she slams the door
when it seems everyone in my life has left me
when my skin melts off of my bones
it is at times like these that the idea of pure isolation
strikes me as heaven strikes me as solitude

?

i spent a summer, thrown back into my house
after the first year gone, i returned, different and the same
i realized it is okay to disappoint others as long as you make yourself happy
who should care about the rest
drinking up the lights in my life which for a year had been
covered, turned off, burned out, 300 miles away
their light strong enough still to reach me, but not to keep me warm
their thoughts reached out to me and met mine in the middle
so being back in their presence i can't drink enough
there is no such thing as spending too much time doing something you love
and just because i don't love what others love doesn't make it less worthwhile
my passions lie elsewhere, with people, not with machines, not with technicalities
but with writers, musicians, authors, poets, dancers, humanists
who can still love rationalism, reason, and logic, without sacrificing their own thoughts
their own feelings their own desires
and don't allow them to be governed by others
they throw out the external locus of control in favor of one
that is internal, bound by themselves only
this internal limiting factor is far better than an external one because
if you only rely on yourself, you never think "life's not fair"
if you don't like something you should change it
this is me changing what i don't like
in myself.

honesty is being alone

honesty is a masquerading lie
to be honest you must be different
because most people lie, to themselves and to other
and enough people lying in unison may as well be truth
because if enough people believe it,
it is the "truth"
the world is flat, the sun revolves around the earth
you are the center of the universe
so to be truly honest, you must "lie" and be a "liar"
to keep no secrets, you sacrifice yourself
intimacy with everyone loses its meaning
honesty has turned to deception
truth and honesty are not the same
"truth" is embroiled int he present
"honesty" is timeless, limitless, boundless
and in being honest, you hope to create of a life of infinite possibility
but nobody cares for your honesty
they find it creepy
weird
desperate
different
they shit on what you think and feel
they soil it, and it soils you
makes you distrusting
alienated
scared
alone
a single lone voice calls out above the crowd in a foreign language
the language of honesty
and the crowd turned on the foreigner and kill them
rip their throat out, spill their pure honest blood
and they all call out in unison
"we don't like your kind"

stolen life

it's 4 am on an idle tuesday morning
some one getting up for work
you've been awake for 3 weeks
no rest for your weary eyes
no laying your head down to sleep
everything has turned blurry, a xerox of your old world
you don't even want to sleep anymore
there is nothing that you want or don't want
love or hate, desire or detest
approve of or disagree with
the nothingness fills you up till all you can do is
just lay in bed, pass another grey morning
the reds orange yellows of the rising sun
fill your eyes but leave your heart undisturbed
how odd it is that while your heart sleeps, unfeeling
your brain keeps going, your eyes can't stay shut
there is no thought or feeling, just meat on your bones
an existence without hope just as without sleep
it used to be you'd sleep in light and live in dark
but if you spend too much time in the dark, you start to forget what you look like
and forgetting yourself keeps you up day and night
steals the last letters, takes away what makes you you
steals your sleep and steals your life

scrambled eggs

i'm seeing through you
your true self leaked out amongst your idealized self
it leaks into my brain little by little
with every one of you action, all that you do
did you hear what i just said?
i've seen the future in the eyes in the mirror
they weren't my eyes, the eyes of a stranger
showed my fate, the future of us
you will continue to walk and pull away from me
all you care about is you
so with this on my mind, i poison myself
to cleanse my thoughts i must scramble my brain