ringing telephone

I hear my phone ring hasn't rung all night

I don't know what it's for but to pick up take all of my might

the voice on the other end is cracking and shaking

they tell me that you've gone and my heart it starts breaking

you've fought this for years but couldn't make it through

as i hold back my tears all i can think is how much i miss you

My memory of you is already clouded and droopy

that memory fell through like a basketball goes through a hoop

the last time i saw you you were mad and you told me you hate me

now that plagues my thoughts and i can't believe that you're gone

the sickness it took you and we knew that it would

but that didn't force us to treat one another the way that we should

now that you've gone in the ground in a case of wood

all i can do is tell myself i did all that i could

fifty years later i wonder if it will feel the same

as it did that first day i wonder if i'll still place the blame

on myself even though i know that that can't be true

what happened was faultless no one to blame not me not you

you've been gone so long that it feels you were never here

no matter how much time goes by my vision won't clear

an eternity could pass through my life like a dream passes through my head

and it won't change how much i miss you laying in my bed

new song

the road that leads

The way is clear but he can't make it through

The only thing blocking his way is keeping you

his eyes they burn with the dust that hangs in the air

all he can do is wish he could not care

the road that leads from houston and takes him to your door

its an uphill fight, it takes all night and he doesn't think he'll make it through

The night is black when he appears to you

shit in your blood keep your vision dimmed as he calls to you

but you can't make out what it is he says

you read between the lines there's too much space between your heads

the road that leads from denver and take him to LA

is a road that he can beat but he has lost his way

so i lead him back put him on the path

takes him right back to your door at nighthe'll be back with you tonight

the way is clear but i can make it through

there's not a thing that blocks the path that leads to you

my eyes feel like they've sprung a leak

i can't help but care but it's all i could ever need

the roads that leads fro my house takes me straight to your door

its the path i'll stay as long as it takes i don't need anything more

i can hear exactly what you say no need to read in to things its pure honesty

i don't need to worry anymore cause our minds they match like a puzzle built upon the floor

the way is clear and i can make it through

there's not a thing that blocks the path that takes me straight to you

his eyes they burn with the dust that hangs in the air

i can't help myself you're all i need you're all that i could care to see, lying here next to me

escape

i'll run so far away from here
leave this town behind
leave behind my life
i will run with the hope that maybe
if i can run fast enough
i can outrun myself
leave my body behind
leave behind my face
i can get ahead of myself and leave me behind
start choking on dust stumbling over my own trail
i just want to escape
to get away from myself
to get away from it all
and to sleep forever
to sleep without dreaming
to sleep in perfect black

standing all alone on a plain with rows of cotton as far as i can see
the horizon is littered with dying plants with waves of grain
where the land meets the sky my eyes betray me
i see the wolves start to pour in
and feel them tear
me apart

between the rows of cotton i find the corpse of a child torn to shreds
bite marks dot their body up and down their legs and stomach
the way the wolves dot the land surrounding me
i can see them coming i feel it
i know what will happen
but i'm helpless

there is nothing i can do to stop the inevitable from occurring in my life
it is a train gathering speed going in one direction without regard
to whether i want it to continue or not i'm helpless
i can't even fulfill the role of conductor
i'm simply a passenger
resigned to fate

all i can do is just lay my head down and try to give my racing brain a rest
try to realize that i have no control and come to accept it as fact
so i lie under the covers trying to shield myself from life
i want to be as insignificant as a fly on the wall
with no care for anything
or anyone

but i can't.

my shifting stomach and my racing brain
my aching heart and my twitching hand
my shaking leg and hair that falls out
my lack of sleep and my sagging shoulders
my broken heart and my flooded eyes
my shifty thoughts they turn to you
and you are what keeps me up at night.

we're all bruised and shell shocked
we've kept everything inside until it bursts out exploding
like a hydrogen bomb shredding apart our bones
melting our skin turning us to pink mist
rotten fruit falls from our mouths
bugs crawl from the pores in our skin
tearing their way out
we try to keep it all inside but we fail
our feet start to betray us make us stumble
we pass out in gutters sleep a few restless hours
till we wake up start it all over again
keeping everything inside makes it worse
a smoldering fire tears through this home
i don't want to perish to die under these terms
i'd rather just be honest to douse the fire
with cool water streaming out from my nose
but my sickness causes my brain to sizzle
like a hard disk drive being worked into failure
too much data causes a meltdown in my skull
until i can't see i can't hear
my senses all shut down they do nothing for me now
i cut off my ears slice out my tongue poke my eyes until they burst
so that i can just exist not feeling or caring for the outside world
some people think of this as hell
this pure disconnect being totally alone
but at times like these when my world is crashing down
when the levees burst and thousands of innocents die
when the bomb hits its target with no intent of it being a military one
when she turns away from me and she slams the door
when it seems everyone in my life has left me
when my skin melts off of my bones
it is at times like these that the idea of pure isolation
strikes me as heaven strikes me as solitude

?

i spent a summer, thrown back into my house
after the first year gone, i returned, different and the same
i realized it is okay to disappoint others as long as you make yourself happy
who should care about the rest
drinking up the lights in my life which for a year had been
covered, turned off, burned out, 300 miles away
their light strong enough still to reach me, but not to keep me warm
their thoughts reached out to me and met mine in the middle
so being back in their presence i can't drink enough
there is no such thing as spending too much time doing something you love
and just because i don't love what others love doesn't make it less worthwhile
my passions lie elsewhere, with people, not with machines, not with technicalities
but with writers, musicians, authors, poets, dancers, humanists
who can still love rationalism, reason, and logic, without sacrificing their own thoughts
their own feelings their own desires
and don't allow them to be governed by others
they throw out the external locus of control in favor of one
that is internal, bound by themselves only
this internal limiting factor is far better than an external one because
if you only rely on yourself, you never think "life's not fair"
if you don't like something you should change it
this is me changing what i don't like
in myself.