recording of song

click me

fixed the original lyrics posting to reflect added lines.

simplicity

i try to lead a simple life

wear simple clothes think simple thoughts

but this is not a simple world

it does not appeal to simple men

an incomplete soul is not a simple one

to be simple i must escape

these thoughts they plague my mind

i try to keep them short and crisp

use simple words write simple lines

but they run through my mind

complicated, convoluted

i put them down to paper

i switch the words around to make more sense

they are murky, unclear, ambiguous

language is in a constant state of mistranslation

nobody understand what anyone else really tries to say

whether they speak the same language or not

is insignificant because

everyone's soul speaks in its own tongue

Work in progress....

i would wait forever if only you would have me

i don't know where you live and i don't know what you're called

i only wish that you could see me standing here with open arms

i'm willing and i'm waiting and i'm ready for the fall

the thing that keeps me up most in the night is the idea that

the probabilities of ever finding you at all

are sub atomically tiny it probably won't happen

words can't even describe this new idea of small

So go on ahead and live your life and i will continue with mine

and maybe someday i'll find you and everything will click

and you will feel like you've found me the one that you've been searching for

and for the first time in your life you won't be feeling sick

you've been liviing with this sickness as long as you've known what sickness was

and as long as i've been aware of myself i've felt the same

the sickness is the fear of life the fear that you will find no one

the thought that no matter what choice you make you will be the one to blame

you come to me you drink with me we lay out in the open grass

you kiss me on my bitter mouth right before you take my heart

and squeeze it with you grip so hard and run away some place real far

as you sit there crying about your thoughts i wonder why i fall so hard

i wish that i could have you and i wish that i could hold you

i wish that i was the one that you would choose to be with

i think i am the one you want but for some reason you just can't

accept the things you feel yeah i'm just another brick

in this wall around yourself you build you hide behind your words and books

you rationalize over analyze everything i do

maybe one day you will come to accept that you feel these things too

you're the one that's best for me and i'm that one for you

Well the future's got me worried such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader

the future is a scary thing. if only because of its true lack of limitations it is a dark scary big fucked up thing. anything can happen at any time. we live in a time when the fate of the world teeters on the edge of a cliff and we're this close to tumbling off into nothingness. and yet in spite of all the uncertainty and frightening possibilities in the future, i find myself enthralled with her, just wanting to spend time with her, get to know her, and share myself with her. people forge connections in life that are often unexplainable, and i must admit that i never would have thought what has happened would have happened but it did. and i couldn't be more glad.


Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, laughin', wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?

only people of a certain disposition can get sentimental for a time that they're currently living in. i am certainly of that disposition.

they say that everything happens happens with reason
but i'm having trouble seeing the reason behind all these fights
every day is another thing i've done or i've said wrong
even in the light of day my heart feels cold and empty

i'm sitting here and waiting for her to come and save me from
all the things i'm so scared to face on my own
confrontation and fights and anger they make me break
my heart is breaking piece by piece and i can't seem to stand

i don't know what it is i think she should do right now
she's got a choice to make, i wish she'd hurry up and pick

life, the universe, and everything

i went to the library today. i didn't have any tests for a few weeks so i had been spending most of my time watching baseball on my computer, which very quickly ate up my bandwidth allocation. so for the rest of the week, i will not have video games, real internet usage over 5 kb/second, or streaming movies to distract myself with. so i went to the library and i checked out two douglas coupland novels, "hey nostradamus" and "the gum thief." i started reading hey nostradamus at 6 o'clock or so. it is a fantastic book written by a fantastic writer and i highly recommend it, despite its darkness. it is about a high school shooting, loosely based off of the events of columbine almost ten years ago. i thought this was strange since the ten year anniversary (anniversary? anniversaries are things to celebrate..... this isn't an anniversary) of the shooting is in four days. the book's main character, who i believe is based on rachel scott, the more publicized victims of ten years ago. she was made famous because of the supposed manner in which she actually died. i've heard the tale in many different ways, but it always states that she was asked if she believe in god, which she replied to with a yes, and told she would survive, not be shot and killed, if she denounced her faith. she refused, and was shot. i don't really believe the story, it sounds like something someone would make up as some sort of sick way of martyrizing her and giving her some sense of celebrity, which i find ridiculous, but i have my cynical moments. her story however does make one think. so while i was reading this pretty harrowing book, i heard music from outside, and it took me a long time to place it, but eventually i realized that i was hearing a cover band play for the annual jester carnival that UT started this year. i've always thought it was strange to call something the "first annual" of its kind, because who's to say it will continue? anyways..... i realized the song they were playing was casamir pulaski day by sufjan stevens. i was taken by this coincidence..... the song itself is about a boy who has a female friend, a friend with whom there is sexual tension, who is killed by bone cancer. the boy in the song, much like cheryl in the book and rachel in real life, was a religious person, and the death of his friend at such a young age understandably makes him question his faith. i was pretty floored by this coincidence, that this random cover band would be playing this song so close in feel and subject matter to this book i was reading, here on the eve of this terrible massacre's tenth year anniversary, or whatever. and it got me thinking. in the book cheryl gets married very early to her boyfriend, mostly so they can have sex without being ashamed in the eyes of god. this struck me as ridiculous, but their closeness, be it purely sexual, or deeper, struck me because of the relative solitude with which i live my life. i made a good deal of friend's last semester, but for the most part i spend my days on my own, eating meals by myself, studying, reading, watching baseball movies to distract myself, and thinking. i haven't been in a physical relationship that meant anything of any kind, past the purely sexual, for years, maybe ever. i've had my random outings, getting out the energy or whatever, but i don't think its ever truly meant anything to me. i probably would have said it did at the time, just as cheryl would, but looking back on it, i don't really feel anything good about it. i think about my ideas about religion... i would not consider myself a faithful person, but i am undoubtedly faithful, in my own very personal way. i think that every person's relationship with god or whatever is a deeply personal thing that can truly not be describe or perscribed by anyone else. i find it so strange to read about these 17 year olds who feel saved, who confess their sins to their friends over french fries at lunch, because that is so far from how i was or how i am. that level of non-privacy astounds me. of course, it is slightly strange that i'm writing this blog post, to be sent out onto the internet, the single least private thing on the planet, about my thoughts about god, the universe, and everything, but at least i came to my thoughts on my own. i do see signs of the presence of something higher, but i cannot give it a name. i see it everyday in the beauty of nature, the majesty of a mountain range, the simplicity of the 'simple life,' spent reading, watching baseball. i see it in the indescribable power of music. in the book, cheryl says that the thing that separates humanity from everything else is their capacity for sin. while i acknowledge this, i also believe in the inherent goodness and capacity of mankind to do great things. the thing that separates mankind from everything else is not only their capacity to sin, but their capacity to do good. and i see signs of something greater in everyday marvels, like hearing a song that goes well with a book you are reading without intending to, or losing internet connectivity, leading me to read a book based on something that profoundly effected me ten years ago when i first heard about it. and its strange that my very earliest memory of hearing about the columbine event was of my mother telling me about rachel scott, about her supposed martyrdom. i was 8 years old at the time and i know i didn't realize how profoundly the event would continue to effect me, but it really has. the idea of someone so steadfast in their convictions, whether i believe them too or not, strikes me as incredibly powerful.

the sea

this is something i wrote a long time ago and had forgotten about but i randomly just found it and thought i would post it.

racing down the highway the smell of oil in my nose
to where the game time high is my home's overnight low
explosions fill my ears the endless sky sooths my fears
i'll remember this time in my soul for years
all we need is all we want, but we have so much time for that
the world in front of us our fears behind, we've rooted out the rat
its in the sound of a catcher's mitt, it's in the sight of a friend
its the stand up feeling we get towards the end
of the day we can say that we're all we need
its the earthiest smell its all this good weed
its the sight of a woman so strong and so sweet
and her loving husband, without shoes on his feet
its the passing of strangers on the shoulder of the road
racing down in this camry, the car has a full load
its when i feel i belong to something bigger than me
the love and the pain, the loss and the gain, my soul grows bigger than the sea